Dealing with Changing Roles

Consider the following scenarios:

Gloria is having difficulty in her relationship with Ruben, who attends a different college far away. Although they care deeply for each other, Ruben seems threatened by Gloria's new friendships, and Gloria finds herself being interested in other guys.

Mustaque, a commuter student who lives at home with his family, has had several arguments with his parents concerning his studies. Mustaque's parents, who really want Mustaque to get the college degree they were never able to pursue, continue to enlist his help in caring for his younger siblings. They do not seem to understand the increased demands of his college coursework and his need to study in relative quiet for large chunks of time.

Deletta has left a full-time job in an accounting department to come to college for an accounting degree. To be able to afford being a full-time student, she has had to move back home with her family after being on her own for several years. Although she knows this decision is the best in the long run, Deletta finds herself feeling irritable and depressed, and being at odds with family and friends.

Chris's parents sent him to college to experience new opportunities and meet new people - and Chris has been doing just that. But now his parents are very upset with him because he has plans to be away most of the Thanksgiving and Winter breaks hanging out with new friends and visiting new places.

Do any of these scenes sound familiar? To most of you who have taken on the role of a full-time college student under one circumstance or another, aspects of the above scenarios are all too familiar. Although you may look forward to those things that college can provide, taking on the college student role results in many stresses and strains, especially in your relationships. And ironically, it is often the people who are the most supportive of your college goals in theory who have the greatest difficulty adjusting to the changes in reality.

Actually, this irony makes considerable sense. It is usually those people with whom you are closest who simultaneously want the best for you and who also have come to rely heavily on you in your old roles. Thus, change becomes difficult all the way around.

For example, in the first scenario above, Ruben was very supportive of Gloria's interest in UMCP even though he know that choice would put her many miles away from him. He was supportive (in theory) because he loves Gloria and he knew her decision was the best one for her. However, he had come to rely on Gloria and the role she played in their relationship and in his life, so that he has felt threatened and lonely as Gloria has (in reality) begun to adjust to her new role as a college student. Gloria's new role is at odds with her old role.

Similarly, Mustaque's family has come to rely on him to take care of his younger siblings. Although they want Mustaque to succeed in college, they do not quite understand that becoming a full-time college student means that he needs to change his role in the family at the same time. Their needs for Mustaque are coming into conflict with Mustaque's needs for himself -- or at least some of Mustaque's needs for himself. Because it is also true that Mustaque has a need to please his family and to maintain harmonious relationships at home. Consequently, Mustaque's role and needs as a student puts him in conflict with his needs as a son and brother. This internal conflict can often be even more disruptive and stressful than conflicts with significant others.

This is certainly the case for Deletta in the third scenario above. Deletta willingly took on the role of full-time student because she knew it was the way to advance within her chosen career environment. However, in making this change, Delefta has had to give up many things that have come to be important to her -- independence, her status, her apartment, her privacy, financial autonomy, and flexibility. Consequently, she finds herself in great inner turmoil; she feels quite unhappy and stuck. This leaves her feeling angry and depressed.

These scenarios illustrate how assuming the college student role can put you into conflict with people you love as well as yourselves. What can be done? It is first helpful to recognize that these conflicts are a normal sign of change. Reminding yourself that such conflict is not bad, but is rather a sign of "growing pains" can be helpful.

Perhaps one of the most helpful set of skills for dealing with the interpersonal conflicts that arise from becoming a full-time college student is ASSERTIVENESS. Briefly, assertiveness is the process of expressing your thoughts, feelings, or needs in a clear and direct manner so as not to infringe upon the rights of others. In order to be assertive, it is necessary to recognize and accept your own expectations of yourself and to be aware of your own feelings and needs.

In the above conflict between Gloria and Ruben, it would be helpful for each of them to clearly and sensitively express their feelings and needs to each other. Similarly, Mustaque should communicate his needs to his parents, trying to provide as much information as possible to them about his schedule and work demands. Assertiveness involves a cooperative style -- not an adversarial one.

Assertiveness does not guarantee that you will automatically get the outcome you desire. But it can set the stage for another important skill in resolving such conflicts -- NEGOTIATION. Negotiation necessarily involves "give and take." For example, Mustaque and his parents might negotiate a change in the demands placed upon him at home. In return for giving him quiet time to study during the week, he might offer to watch his siblings for several hours on the weekend. Chris, in openly discussing his vacation plans with his parents, might be willing to forego his Thanksgiving travel plans so that he can spend time with his family. In return, they might be more supportive of his Winter travel plans.

Another useful set of skills for dealing with the stresses and strains of role change come under the general title of COGNITIVE REFRAMING which means changing the way you think. This is most relevant to the internal conflicts that arise; where your expectations for yourself are coming into conflict with other realities or choices. It would be helpful for Deletta to recognize that she can not have everything right now and that it is not a negative reflection on her that she has returned to a more dependent position. Quite the contrary, she has taken a risk to improve her life which indicates a sign of strength and determination on her part. Cognitive refraining can lessen her frustrations. In other words, she needs to reframe the situation and see it from the more positive angle.

As stated earlier, it is normal for conflicts, both interpersonal (between people) and intrapersonal (within a person), to arise when one changes roles and becomes a full-time student. However, one caution: If these conflicts are very acute and disruptive or if they persist over a long period of time, it may be a sign of more serious problems. Should this be the case, you may want to seek professional help. Counselors at the Counseling Center on the 4th Floor of Susquehanna Hall (for appointments call 301-314-7651) or in the Mental Health Service in the Health Center (301-314-8106) are available to help you address these problems.

This article was written by Dr. Kathy Zamostny,
a Staff Psychologist at the University Counseling Center