"I Love You!" ... "Then Leave Me Alone!"

Partner 1: "Why don't you ever talk to me?"
Partner 2: "I do talk to you. I talk to you all the time."
Partner 1: "No, you don't! You just don't care about me."
Partner 2: "Leave me alone! Why are you always nagging me?"
Partner 1: "If I didn't nag at you, you would never listen to what I have to say."
Partner 2: Walks away, muttering, "What do you want from me?"

Does this exchange sound familiar? Have you heard yourself, or someone you know, get into such a fruitless conversation? The above scenario is a typical, even stereotypical, exchange between the members of an ongoing relationship who have discovered that the other person's intimacy needs are different from their own. Such differences need not have a serious impact on the quality of a relationship, but they can be fatal if not understood and resolved, at least to some level.

Intimacy can be thought of as a continuum; one pole being total enmeshment (no separation) with another, the other pole being total isolation from everyone. Obviously neither extreme is desirable, nor is it healthy. Nearly everyone falls somewhere in between these extremes, but that still leaves a lot of room for disagreement.

A person's comfortable level of intimacy is determined by several factors. First, one's culture or ethnicity plays a role. Some cultures as a whole are more emotionally expressive, "warmer" if you will, than others; and likewise some are "cooler." Relationships between partners of different ethnic background can create differences in behavior and expectations.

A second factor is family environment. While certainly affected by culture, each family has its own level of emotional intimacy. An individual coming from a very expressive home may feel quite at home being close to another. On the other hand, a person may react to a family that is too close by withdrawing. Thus, when a relationship gets too intimate for them, they may start an argument or use other means to create some distance between the partners. A family that is too distant can create a need for closeness in a person, becoming demanding when taken to an extreme.

Another factor affecting level of intimacy is past experience. If you or your partner has had a previous relationship that ended badly, the partner involved may feel reluctant to open up again. This situation can often resolve itself with time and the building of trust. However, the partner with higher intimacy needs should be careful not to be too insistent on closeness, if the other partner is not ready. Such insistence could drive the other away.

A fourth factor is gender. While not always the case, women are more frequently desirous of greater intimacy, while men are often looking for more space. While this may in part be biological (caretaker vs. hunter/gatherer), much of this behavior is likely due to the traditional socialization of women to be more relationship focused and men to be more independent.

So, you ask, my partner and I seem to need different levels of intimacy. What can we do about it, so each of us can feel comfortable and satisfied? Several techniques are available. First of all, each of you can examine your own relationships with friends, family, and each other, and then rate yourself on a scale from 1 to 100 on your comfortable level of intimacy. Create a 10 point band on each side (since our needs vary over time) and compare it to your partner's. Chances are there is some overlap. This common area is a place to begin in learning to compromise on the intimacy level in your relationship. Making the numbers as behaviorally explicit as possible is most helpful.

Secondly, notice the patterns in your interactions that draw you closer and drive you away. The example at the beginning of the article showed one partner trying to engage the other, but in actuality ended up driving that person away. One example of a pattern is the "accordion" effect, that is, partners moving toward greater intimacy and then away from each other in a cyclical way. This effect probably occurs in most relationships, and, if understood, need only cause problems if the partners choose to make it into one.

A second pattern is the "distancer-pursuer" interaction. Such a pattern involves one partner always chasing the other, while that person keeps trying to create emotional distance. This pattern is also known as "being attached by a ten-foot pole." The more the pursuer moves toward the distancer, the more the distancer will pull back, thus maintaining the "ten-foot" distance. A third pattern is when one (or both) partners likes a great deal of intimacy for short periods of time, then returning to a less intimate style. Understanding the patterns of your relationship can help you realize that your partner actually does care, despite their apparent "apathy" of the moment, or conversely, their feeling like you are trying to smother them.

The third, perhaps most important, technique is to talk to each other as honestly and directly as possible about your intimacy needs. Your partner may be expressing their love to you in one way, but if you are expecting it in another form, you may not be able to see it. Such a situation can be highly frustrating for both partners, but perhaps most for the "giver," who, if not being understood, may stop giving and just "give up."

If, after trying some of these techniques, you are still having difficulties in achieving a satisfying relationship, counseling should be considered. An objective third party can often see troublesome patterns that elude the awareness of the partners. A counselor can also provide a safe environment in which these oftentimes highly-charged issues can be discussed. If you feel that your relationship could benefit from counseling, several places on campus can be of assistance, including the University Counseling Center (314-7651) located in Shoemaker Building, the Family Service Center (for a fee) in Marie Mount Hall (405-2273), the Mental Health Center (314-8106), and the Chapel (405-8456).

This article was written by Dr. Jonathan Kandell, Psychologist and Assistant Director
at the University Counseling Center