DIVORCE: A Crisis, Any Way You Look At It

If you are currently facing the realities of a divorce--either as a partner in a failing marriage, or as a child of parents whose marriage is ending--you are not alone. More than two and one-half million adults divorce every year; and more than a million children become children of divorced parents.

Divorce is a CRISIS of major proportions, second only to death of a spouse or parent in terms of the emotional trauma, stress, and upheaval it causes. According to the dictionary, a "crisis" is a situation whose outcome decides whether possible bad consequences will occur. That is, a crisis is not automatically a disaster; it is only potentially so. In fact, the Chinese word for crisis is composed of symbols meaning DANGER and OPPORTUNITY. The process of coming to terms with a divorce (or any other crisis/loss, for that matter) necessarily involves consideration of both its dangers and opportunities.

The dangers associated with divorce can be summed up in one word--LOSS. Whether you are a partner willingly seeking divorce or a partner who is resisting the action or a child who has no choice in the matter, you will incur serious losses as a result of divorce. Recognizing the extent of the losses--economic losses, loss of your home, loss of previous social life, loss of daily contact with children, loss of household help (i.e., your partner) , loss of in-laws, loss of routine, to name a few--is the first step toward identifying, understanding, and resolving the wide range of intense feelings that accompany such losses.

It is important to realize that the above losses result in emotional trauma. Reactions in the early stages of loss/trauma can include numbness, shock, and denial as well as helplessness, despair, and terror. In these early stages, it is helpful to acknowledge the losses and the tremendous pain associated with them; to remind yourself that you will survive; to recognize the universality of loss reactions and that you are not alone; to remind yourself that it is normal and healthy to experience pain with loss and encourage yourself to sit with the pain; to take care of yourself by getting rest, allowing friends to give you support, building in structure to counter the sense of being out of control, giving yourself room for mistakes, seeking out the comfort of others who have experienced similar losses; and seeking help and guidance immediately, if you think you need it.

A later stage in the loss process involves aspects of mourning. Feelings most often associated with this stage are anger and depression. Again, it is important to understand and accept these feelings as legitimate. It is also important to give yourself time to experience and work through these feelings, rather than allowing yourself to run away through compulsive activities, new relationships, or acting out the feelings through self-defeating behaviors or activities.

The dangers of divorce for children are similar to those listed above but more intense. For children, a divorce means the loss of their family as they have known it. This loss most often stimulates overwhelming fears of abandonment, threat, and disaster. Furthermore, most children lack the emotional equipment to deal constructively with these intense feelings. Thus, they often engage in acting-out behaviors which can bring on more trauma and loss. To help them cope with the dangers of divorce, children need direct, non-blaming and honest information about what is happening and what they can expect. They need reassurance that their parents are not divorcing them, and that the parent-child relationships will be preserved and protected at all costs. They need to be protected from the negative or bitter feelings in the marriage. They need structure and routine and consistency. Finally, they need help in identifying and legitimizing the many intense and scary emotions they are feeling. And they need to be given alternatives for expressing and coping with these feelings.

As stated earlier, the crisis of divorce involves not only danger but also opportunity. Once the traumatic feelings of pain and loss are being managed and the survival stage worked through, one can approach the healing and growing stages of loss/divorce. The crisis of divorce necessarily presents new beginnings. it offers the opportunity for self-examination and self-renewal, which, in turn, bring growth and fulfillment. At this point, it is possible to view a divorce, not as a failure, but as a learning experience. Through such processes as forgiving (self and others) , focusing on the gain that comes from pain, taking constructive action, discovering new relationships and new interests, and rediscovering yourself, one is able to build joy, excitement, creativity, and peace back into your life. For many, they end up with a better life and self than they started with before the crisis.

For most of us, the challenge of coping with both the dangers and opportunities of divorce are enormous. There are many books available to assist you in these challenges. Two useful ones are Divorcing by Kranzler and Belli (detailing the emotional and legal/logistical aspects of divorce) and How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Colgrove, Bloomfiled and McWilliams (dealing with emotional survival, healing, and growing from loss in general). Also be reminded that there are professionals on campus who understand the painful realities of divorce and who can help you survive and eventually thrive following divorce. Consult with the Counseling Center in Shoemaker Hall (314-7651) or the Mental Health Clinic in the Health Center (314-8106). They offer support and help.

The author, Kathy Zamostny, is a staff psychologist at the University Counseling Center.