No. 84 Letters

NOTE: Since responses to questions may take up to one week, "Paging Dr. WEBster" is not designed to be an emergency service or a replacement for counseling or psychotherapy. This question-and-answer forum is designed to provide information and assistance on a variety of issues. If you are in crisis, please link to the Emergency Services page now for more immediate help. If you feel you need counseling soon, call or drop by the Counseling Center (Shoemaker Building, 301-314-7651) or the Mental Health Service of the Health Center (301-314-8106). If you do not live in the College Park area, or you are not a student of the University of Maryland, please check your local telephone book for services in your area.

Question of the Week:

Dear Dr. WEBster,

I am seeking some advice on inter-faith couples. My boyfriend and I are both in our last year of college and concerns about our potential for a future together have arisen. While he is a devout Seventh-day Adventist I was raised Congregationalist. I have claimed to be agnostic for several years, but am not yet sure whether or not I will return to the church. I would like to know if there is a way to make this relationship work long-term. Are there any resources or individuals that you would recommend that I consult?

Interfaith Couple

Dear Interfaith Couple,

First, let me say that I am not an expert in religion or a member of either of the religions mentioned in your questions. I will, however, seek to offer what I can. Also, when you refer to a long-term relationship, I'm not sure how you define long-term. For some it could be a couple of years, for others, it could mean a lifetime commitment with the possibility of family. Clearly the stakes are higher when considering a lifetime commitment, and the differences in issues become more important. I will assume for the most part that you are thinking of something more than just a couple of years when you use the word long-term.

Interfaith relationships can certainly work long-term, but each partner needs to we willing and able to tolerate and respect that the other person's beliefs are different from their own. Some religions are more open to a variety of views (e.g., Unitarianism), while others contend that there is only one right way to believe.

My understanding is that Seventh-day Adventism is pretty strict about beliefs and ways of living. Your boyfriend being a devout member of that group would suggest that he is not that likely to change his beliefs, or perhaps accept a different set of beliefs (i.e., yours) in a long-term way. You need to consider whether this is something that you will be able to deal with over the long haul. Given his unlikelihood of changing, at least in the near future, are you willing/able to conform your beliefs to fit his? The difference between Seventh-Day Adventism and agnosticism is quite a gap.

The fact that you've been together for enough time to be thinking about the future shows some strength in the relationship. However, to make a longer commitment to someone, be it marriage or not, usually requires at least some similarity of beliefs, or, as I mentioned above, the ability to allow the other person to believe what they wish, even if you disagree.

Another issue, when thinking long-term, and the one that often creates trouble in an interfaith relationship, is the raising of children. Even when a person can tolerate and respect the different beliefs of their partner, when it comes to raising a child, some parents can become very proprietary about the beliefs that will be taught to the child. If both partners want to instill their belief system in the child, and those beliefs differ significantly, the power struggle can cause much difficulty in the relationship, and even irreparable harm. That's not even taking into account the child, and his/her wish to please both parents. Having the parents war is hard enough on the child, but when the child is the focus of those battles, the child can suffer significantly.

Parents can also be a problem for interfaith couples. Even if the partners are able to accept the other's religion, the parents of one or more of the partners may be highly resistant to their child becoming involved in a long-term relationship outside their faith community. These parents may try to sabotage the relationship and see their child's partner as an outsider or interloper, someone trying to disrupt their way of life.

I'm not wanting to paint a "doom and gloom" picture for you as to the prognosis for interfaith relationships, and as I said in the beginning, many such relationships are quite successful. However, when thinking long-term about a relationship, this issue certainly needs to be considered and discussed so that both partners are on the same page. Of course, other issues need such consideration as well, but religion is one that can be a sticking point for many, as it often encompasses a wide range of values, beliefs, ways of life, and cultural expectations. Even though this kind of discussion can be difficult and painful now, it will be more difficult and more painful the longer that you wait. The more committed you are to each other, the harder it will be to separate, if that is what is the best solution.

As far as resources, my best suggestion is to consult with some religious/spiritual leaders about how they see such a combination working. It at least would be helpful for your boyfriend (and you) to talk with a Seventh-Day Adventist leader to know where the church would stand on such a relationship. If your boyfriend is committed to that view, then you have your answer as to what will happen with him, and you then need to decide for yourself if this is something you can live with. You may also want to talk with a leader of a group that allows for a variety of beliefs (e.g., Unitarian) to see if working within that umbrella is satisfactory for both of you.

Ultimately only you and your boyfriend can answer your question as to whether or not this situation can work long-term. I think you're smart to be asking these questions now and hope you find a good answer.

Best of luck in the search.

Dr. WEBster

Dear Dr. WEBster,

I have been employed with UMCP for nearly 14 years. Eleven months ago I underwent an operation, and subsequently I have been placed on a lite duty status that will expire some time in December 2007. I now face the fact that I will lose my job in a few weeks. I would like to know if your testing/counseling has any age limits. Can you recommend a career assessment test?

Best regards,

Need a New Start

Dear Need a New Start,

As you might expect, most of our services are only for registered students. However, we do have a career counseling program for non-students (Fee E-V) for a fee of $125 (for campus-affiliated people) and $200 for those not affiliated with UMCP. There are no age limits or any other restrictions. This program includes an Intake/evaluation session, all testing (except in rare instances), and up to four additional sessions.

Your particular situation may qualify you for a different program specific to UMCP employees (in conjunction with Personnel) who are being required to end their employment. Usually this termination is due to a Reduction in Force (RIF) as the result of economic difficulties on campus or in the State of Maryland. This program is essentially the same as the Fee E-V program mentioned above, except it has no cost. I would certainly check with Personnel to see if you qualify for this program.

Regarding career tests, unless there's reasons to do otherwise, we usually assign both the Strong Interest Inventory, a straight career test, and the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a personality test that has shown good links to career concerns. If you could only take one, I'd suggest the Strong. The Myers-Briggs is helpful to confirm (or not) the results of the Strong, since it comes at the idea of interests/fit from another angle.

In order to use either of these services, please contact our Front Desk in the Main Lobby of the Shoemaker Building to set up an initial (and free) Intake session. The Fee E-V program's cost starts at the first session after Intake, so you can meet with someone to discuss the situation and then decide if the Fee E-V program makes sense to pursue. The phone number to call for an Intake is 301-314-7651, or you can stop by and speak with the receptionist.

Good luck in finding a new career.

Dr. WEBster

Dear Dr. WEBster,

I am a student a UMD and I cuurently see a off-campus psychiatrist who perscribes medicine. I was wondering if there is someone in the Counseling Center that I could see instead that would also have the ability to write perscriptions. Thank you for your time.

UM Prescriptions

Dear UM Prescriptions,

The Counseling Center does not have any psychiatrists on staff, rather it is primarily staffed by psychologists. The campus does have psychiatrists available through the Mental Health Service, located in the Health Center across from Stamp Student Union. The psychiatrists there can write and refill prescriptions.

Dr. WEBster