No. 68 Letters

NOTE: Since responses to questions may take up to one week, "Paging Dr. WEBster" is not designed to be an emergency service or a replacement for counseling or psychotherapy. This question-and-answer forum is designed to provide information and assistance on a variety of issues. If you are in crisis, please link to the Urgent Situation? page now for more immediate help. If you feel you need counseling soon, call or drop by the Counseling Center (Shoemaker Building, 301-314-7651) or the Mental Health Service of the Health Center (301-314-8106). If you do not live in the College Park area, or you are not a student of the University of Maryland, please check your local telephone book for services in your area.

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Question of the Week:

Dear Dr. WEBster,

My partner and I have been together for almost a year now and have faced many issues together and grown through them. We are both committed to growing and changing for the better and becoming better partners to the other. My greatest concern is that my partner has a serious problem with withdrawal... When we face a serious issue (usually about his computer addiction) and I need to talk about it with him to try to come up with a solution, he just shuts off. He does not talk to me, validate my feelings or acknowledge my very existence. He can sit for hours in front of the computer without talking or trying to solve the problem. I in the meantime begin to feel worthless and unvalued and unloved. This is even more difficult because of the fact that I have moved from my home country to be with him and have no support from my friends or loved ones... When he finally comes out of himself and talks to me, he is wonderful and like a different person saying he wants to change this behaviour but does not know how... Can you please help... I am very much in love with and love this man, and he loves me, but if things do not change I do not think that I can continue to live with him, and this would be such a tragedy because we are so good together and do love each other....

Thank you.

Seeking Wise Counsel

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Dear Seeking Wise Counsel,

I'm sure it must be difficult to feel like things between you and your partner are very good sometimes, but then at other times you feel empty and alone. Unfortunately, being involved with someone with an addiction is very much like that, alternating phases of closeness and distance.

The first thing you (and he) must realize is that if he truly does have a computer addiction problem, little can be done to improve the relationship until he confronts and resolves it. At this point, it may be hard to say whether he is truly addicted and feels compelled to be on the computer, or whether he uses the computer to avoid dealing with you (and his own feelings). He likely feels a lot of shame and self-hatred, which only increases his wanting to avoid confronting things.

If he is addicted, there could be many reasons why he can't stop overusing the computer. The most important thing in that case, though, is that he stop. To stop at this point, it sounds like your partner may need professional help. If he is willing to talk with a mental health professional about this problem, that would be a good sign, and he would begin the process of salvaging the relationship. If he is not willing to seek help, then you need to decide for yourself how much you can tolerate of the cycle he's engaged in. While it would be painful for you to leave him soon, you need to think about the pain you're enduring being part of this difficult pattern, and that it likely will be all the more painful later on.

I would talk with him directly and tell him how his isolating himself on the computer is hurting you. Don't blame him, just tell him how you feel and that you're not sure how much longer you can take it. As you said to me, tell him that you moved here to be with him and don't have much other support, and when he isolates himself, you feel like there's nobody there for you. Many people will do things to help others, even if they don't feel like they can do it, or deserve to do it, for themselves. Hopefully the talking will get through to him, and he'll want to stop his behavior strongly enough that he will calmly talk with you about what's bothering you, or at least that he'll seek help to improve the way he interacts with you. You should also consider seeing a counselor together to work on the relationship if you can't make much headway talking with him by yourself. He may actually be more willing to seek help if you are there with him, though if you are seen together, you must acknowledge that the problem is both of yours, not just his.

If he is not willing or able to do these things, at some point you very well may need to give him an ultimatum: "Stop the computer overuse and withdrawal behavior, or I'm leaving". If you do give him such a demand, you have to follow through on it. If you don't, he'll get the sense that you won't leave him, and that even more he can do what he wants. I'm not saying that this is all conscious on his part, but an addictive personality is always looking to take advantage of situations. He needs to learn that there are limits to what you'll endure, and consequences for his actions.

This is a very difficult issue, especially since you have few other people to count on. Ultimately, though, you need to look out for yourself, since you won't be able to help him or yourself if you let his behaviors destroy you. Whether your partner seeks help for himself, together with you, or not at all, you may want to consider seeking your own counseling to help you deal with both: a) his difficult behaviors and b) establishing your own self independent of him. The more you are able to build your own life and satsify your needs yourself or with others, the less you will need to depend on how much he is willing to interact with you at that moment. In fact, by your feeling less needy of him, your partner may feel less pressure to always be there for you, and so he may feel less like having to avoid direct contact. Other or different dynamics may be in play, so my best suggestion is for one or both of you to seek professional counseling help. If you do truly love each other, and it sounds like you do, then you should take whatever steps are needed to improve the relationship. I hope that you do so and that things get better.

Best of luck.

Dr. WEBster

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Additional Questions:

Dear Dr. WEBster,

I had an AST of 190 and an ALT of 144 last year (Jan.17, 1994). On that day I found out I had HCV. Instead of doing what I'm supposed to do, I started drinking Scotch. It has been a year now and I'm just now starting to realize that this is probably not a good thing to do! I don't know what to do because I am an alcoholic, and I have never quit before for more than 40 days. (I am 47 and a female). I have been in several rehabs, but even then, nothing seem to work. I've more or less given up hope! I still can't stop drinking. The Dr.'s say they cannot treat me without my quitting drinking for 6 mo. - 1 Year. I cannot even fathom this!! Can you help me? I know I have to help myself, but I am too sick to fight this anymore. I am so tired sometimes....I have no appetite (lost 10-15 lbs in the last year) ; my urine is dark, like apple cider; I haven't left my own house. What's next?

Alcoholic

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Dear Alcoholic,

I'm not sure what I can tell you that you don't already know. Obviously, you need to stop drinking. I also don't need to tell you that you are destroying what's left of your liver. If you continue to drink there is really only one eventual outcome, liver failure, which means death. Since you wrote this note, my guess is that there is still part of you that wants to survive and return to a relatively normal life. Unfortunately, no one can do this for you. You have to want it badly enough for yourself.

Perhaps the most important thing at this point is to find a reason to get sober and stay sober. You need to find something in your life, be it a family member, a friend, a cause, religious or spiritual beliefs, or best of all, something within yourself, that's worth fighting and living for. You already know that the process of "drying out", and even more, staying sober, is not easy. Alcoholism is a vicious disease. There are always temptations, and there are always stresses that will make you want to escape back into the bottle. At those points you need to have someone or something in your corner telling you not to succumb. I don't know if you have tried Alcoholics Anonymous, or some other type of support group, but they can be helpful in providing support when you need it the most. If you've been to one chapter and didn't like it, try another meeting at another place. Each one has different people. The more groups you attend, the more likely it will be that you will find someone with whom you connect, someone worth getting sober for, if you don't have that someone now.

I wish I had "the answer" for you, but the truth is often the best medicine. The only answer I have is to make the decision every day, every minute, that life is worth living and that getting and staying sober, no matter how hard it is, is worth the effort so you can keep on living.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in dealing with a very difficult situation. I hope you find the strength to take the steps necessary to get better.

Dr. WEBster

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Dear Dr. WEBster,

I have Hepatitis C and I do not use cocaine. I keep failing urine test that shows positive for cocaine. Can my disease be playing a part in this?

False Positive for Cocaine

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Dear False Positive for Cocaine,

There are several conditions and substances that can create a "false positive" result for cocaine. These conditions/substances are:

• Amoxicillin
• tonic water
• kidney infection
• kidney disease
• liver infection
• liver disease
• diabetes

As you can see, liver disease is one of the conditions that can trigger a positive cocaine result. Hepatitis C is a disease of the liver, so your medical condition may very well be the cause of the false positives. I am not a physician and you should certainly speak with your physician about whether or not this is what is occurring, but it certainly is a possibility.

Dr. WEBster

This document is maintained by Jonathan Kandell at the Counseling Center of the University of Maryland. Comments, suggestions, feedback, etc., should be directed to jkandell@umd.edu