No. 2 Letters

NOTE: Since responses to questions may take up to one week, "Paging Dr. WEBster" is not designed to be an emergency service or a replacement for counseling or psychotherapy. This question-and-answer forum is designed to provide information and assistance on a variety of issues. If you are in crisis, please link to the Urgent Situation? page now for more immediate help. If you feel you need counseling soon, call or drop by the Counseling Center (Shoemaker Building, 301-314-7651) or the Mental Health Service of the Health Center (301-314-8106). If you do not live in the College Park area, or you are not a student of the University of Maryland, please check your local telephone book for services in your area.

Question of the Week:

Dear Dr. WEBster,

I'm a 19 year-old sophomore who's been involved with a guy since we met at the beginning of freshman year. Last year we were really close and spent most of our time together. It was great! He went back to New Jersey for the summer, and I didn't see him much (he came down here two weekends). We talked a lot on the phone, but even that seemed to slow down by the end of the summer. Things were good again when this semester started, but lately he seems distracted when we're together. Also, I'm the one who calls him all the time. He doesn't seem to want to be with me or call me. I don't know what to do. I keep asking him why he's like this, and he tells me I'm crazy! That there's nothing wrong! I love him a lot and want to be with him. I'd do anything to keep him. I don't know why he's treating me this way! I feel terrible, can't sleep, don't want to eat. Can you help?

Sad in Somerset

Dear Sad in Somerset,

From what you say, it sounds like your boyfriend's trying to tell you something. It may be that he's found someone else (maybe that was part of what happened over the summer) or perhaps his feelings about you have changed. On the other hand, something may be going on with him personally that he's uncomfortable sharing with you. It could be a family problem or some health issue about which he's embarassed. He may also feel like the relationship (which you described as very close last year) became too intimate for him and he needs some space. He may not know how to tell you without hurting your feelings, so he's just started to withdraw. He doesn't seem willing to talk much about it, but I would try to confront him directly about what's going on. The answer may hurt you if it's true that he no longer loves you, but it's better to know than not to know. The uncertainty (which you're experiencing now) is usually worse than the reality.

It's hard to deal with when you feel like your feelings are not being reciprocated by someone you love. It's even harder when you have already been in a relationship with that person. It's important right now to take care of yourself, even though most of your thoughts are about being with him. Since he's been such an important part of your life, you probably have invested most of your interpersonal energy in him. Since you don't know what's going to happen with him, it's important that you have someone to talk to about this and other problems. Perhaps a roommate, floormate, classmate, even a high school friend or family member will do to help you through this. Getting out and doing things with other people is also a good idea. I'd also suggest your doing some exercise to help tire you out and make you hungrier. Not getting enough sleep or food only makes you feel worse.

If these suggestions don't seem to help, I think you should seek professional assistance through the Counseling Center (301-314-7651) or the Mental Health Sesrvice of the Health Center (301-314-8106). Another possibility would be to check out the Wellness Center (301-405-2446) in the North Gym (HLHP Building) for some stress management tips.

In the meantime, you can read further about stress and relationships on this website, or you can check other mental health sites for information. If the situation gets to the point where you feel like you can't handle it anymore, please consult the information on the Urgent Situation? page for immediate assistance.

I hope the situation gets better for you.

Dr. WEBster

Additional Questions:

Dear Dr. WEBster,

I'm not sure this is the right place to ask, but I haven't received any financial aid checks since the beginning of the semester, and I don't know what to do. My landlord wants the rent and is tired of my making excuses. What should I do?

Broke in Beltsville

Dear Broke in Beltsville,

Thank you for writing in. All questions are appropriate, even if I can't always give you the answer. In this case, the Student Financial Aid Office in the Lee Building (0102 Lee, 301-314-9000) is the place you need to contact to find out what's happening with your checks. If you've already checked with them and have not been able to get a good answer, I'd contact the Director of the office directly. Her name is Sarah Bauder, he can be reached at 301-314-8279. Good Luck!

This document is maintained by Jonathan Kandell at the Counseling Center of the University of Maryland. Comments, suggestions, feedback, etc., should be directed to jkandell@umd.edu